I resist the urge to use my laptop like a frisbee. Instead of launching it across the room, I stare past the screen. Nothing’s working. Frustrated and discouraged, I’m on the verge of giving up. Ironic because I’m in a course called Becoming Discouragement Proof. It’s been months since I’ve been out of work and without a steady paycheck. I’ve drained my savings in the hopes that my coaching business will take off, but here it sits on the runway. The engine won’t start. I’m stuck.
When I started a three month course on creating, I imagined manifesting an abundance of clients. My practice would fill so quickly, I would need a waiting list. I even crafted an email I could send to the plethora of future waitlist clients.
The course ended, and I have fewer clients than I started with. Other attendees saw their projects move forward in serendipitous ways. Not me. I wanted my project to lift off like a Harrier jet. Why won’t it even budge?
I’m in worse straits now than when I started. I curse myself for wasting my savings. I’ll run out of money soon. Overwhelmed with disappointment, I shut my laptop and wrestle with self-conscious thoughts. Where do I go from here?
On that day, I gave up, but not completely. For the next two years, I continued to work on my business with little results. I got a job that paid the bills, but I never lost my inner desire to coach.
Now, I understand what I did wrong.
I used effort in a way that actually blocked me from my goals. This understanding has implications for success in business, relationships, and everyday life.
What did I do wrong? I used fearful attention.
I recently discovered that the quality of my attention determines the quality of my life.
Intuitive Truth: The quality of your attention determines the quality of your life.
If you feel like you’ve tried everything and nothing is working. If you feel stuck, you might be making this innocent mistake too.
I still have a lot to learn about building a coaching business. Even after three years, it feels like I’m just beginning. I work on my business again, but this time it’s different. I don’t place as much fearful attention on my success. Instead, I try to use more loving attention. While my business isn’t overflowing like I imagined yet, it grows steadily.
I don’t have as much time for coaching as I used to. In the years between, my wife gave birth to a baby girl. As a part-time stay-at-home dad, I care for my two-year-old daughter. I also earn a living as a bodyworker. Even with these limitations, I see more results in my business than I did when I worked on it full time.
The difference maker: the quality of my attention.
Wisdom Webinar
I’m hosting a webinar called “Discover Your Wealth Wisdom.”
The faces of the attendees light up my screen. I didn’t script any of what I’m about to say. Instead, I let the words flow from me.
“There are three types of attention.”
I list them on my fingers.
“Loving attention, no attention, and fearful attention.”
“Whatever we use loving attention on flourishes. Like watering a thirsty plant, it provides nourishment and care. We attend to its welfare. We give from our own abundant life energy. Our presence helps to cultivate its growth.”
“No attention leaves the plant to fend for itself. We let the rain water it while we focus elsewhere. This can work, sometimes beautifully. In fact, no attention may finally allow the plant to thrive after too much fearful attention.”
“Fearful attention seems to work. The plant may sprout, but it soon withers. With fearful attention, we overcare and overwater. Thoughts of failure drive frantic energy, leading to overaction. We tie the wellbeing of the plant to our own self-worth. When we focus on our fears, we can’t give our full presence to anything. We recall the plants we killed in the past and imagine dead plants in our future. By focusing on what we don’t want, we innocently create it.”
“Good gardeners give loving attention to the plants in their care,” I say, “but it’s easier to give loving attention to a plant. The plant doesn’t look like a problem or talk back. We run into trouble when our loving attention becomes dependent on circumstances.”
“You already give unconditional loving attention to any aspect of your life that comes easily to you. Wherever life feels challenging, examine your quality of attention. You might find that your attention is either absent or driven by fear.”
“Look at your biggest problem. How much loving attention do you give to that situation? If you are honest with yourself, it’s probably little to none.”
“When my business “goes well,” I place more loving attention on it. The business does better with loving attention, creating a positive cycle.”
“All businesses take a downturn. I lose a client. Interest wanes. No one signs up for an event. I respond to those circumstances with fear. My fearful attention leads to urgent action. I worry and exhaust myself with overwork. When I overload my mind, I use distraction to calm myself down. I soothe with social media and television binges. This hot-and-cold approach doesn’t do any favors for my business. The rollercoaster of positive and negative spirals burns me out. It seems like I have no control. The discouragement builds until I’m ready to give up.”
Can you feel this way?
The dynamic between living, fearful, and no attention isn’t limited to business. It applies everywhere. I found out firsthand how much it plays out in a romantic relationship.
Relationship Fear
“You’re not meeting me half-way,” my wife says. Her words sting. I’ve been meeting her all the way. I fight hard for our relationship. I’m a boxer in the fight of their life. The bell rings. Battered, bloody, and bruised, I grit my teeth and drag myself out of my corner only to get the shit kicked out of me again. Even though I feel unwanted, I’m still here, talking to her. I’m exhausted and wounded. How could she say that?
The argument continues as we move downstairs to talk on the couch. This one feels different from our usual disagreements. I don’t want to get pulled into a reaction, but it doesn’t seem like I can help it. Like a puppet on a string, I get yanked around by the meaning I make of what she says. Her words bite, and I react like a wounded animal, lashing back out. The more upset I become, the more I react to what she says. I don’t want to hurt her, and I don’t want to be hurt.
We become actors in our own tragedy, trying desperately to connect, but blocked fear. At times, it’s like I’m in the audience. My heart breaks for the situation. Other times, I get pulled up on stage and act out the drama. The inevitable conclusion nears. Too hurt to continue, we will disengage to seethe in our own corners.
I stop and ask for a new perspective. In my mind, I think, “I don’t want it to be like this. Please help me find a different way.” I acknowledge that I don’t know what to do and open myself up to inspiration.
It hits me. She’s right. I’m not meeting her half-way. I’m too busy kicking my own ass. I get knocked around the ring, but not by her. I fight against my own fears and insecurities. The boxing match is over the second I drop those.
How can I meet her half-way when I beat myself into a corner? I recognized the spiral of fearful attention and no attention. When I use fearful attention, I attempt to fix the problems in our relationship. This leads to arguments, frustration, and pain. I disengage to protect myself from getting hurt. I avoid her in our own house, keeping myself too busy to interact. She reacts to my withdrawal with hurt and rejection. I want to escape the cycles of hurt, but the fearful attention pulls us in deeper.
What if I could use loving attention instead?
When I let go of my unhelpful and painful thoughts, I become more understanding and present. I don’t get as reactive. If I stay in my peace, I navigate our relationship with skill and grace.
Loving attention is most needed when I hit challenges in my relationships. Unfortunatley, it’s when I’m least likely to give it. I want to love whatever I focus on, especially when I find it difficult to love. Could I create a habit of consistent loving attention?
I’m talking about unconditional love, a love that isn’t dependent on circumstances. I want more unconditional love for my relationship and my business.
I see the attendees of the Wealth Wisdom webinar. As I continue, I attempt to further clarify the idea of loving attention.
“We all have areas of your life that come easy to us. That’s where we naturally give more unconditional loving attention,” I explain.
“I have great news. Loving attention is the baseline. We’re made to give loving attention. We only lose this ability when we believe our warped thinking. Fearful attention comes from a focus on fearful thoughts.”
“There is no difference between loving attention and presence. When fearful thoughts fall away, we naturally return to presence. You can let go of fearful thoughts. Give them less energy and belief and watch them melt away. Allow them to move through you with less and less resistance. All thoughts dissipate. Let them. Like a fog that lifts in the light of day, fearful thinking clears in the light of new understanding.”
The Allure of Fear
Fearful attention can work. Many strivers build wealth, career, and status through fearful attention. When harnessed, it can drive us toward accomplishment. But when we use fear as fuel, our engine burns hot. If we push it too hard, the heat scorches. We burn out.
Something’s gotta give: us or our project. Usually, we sacrifice ourselves first. Eventually, both give way. We can’t “do” our project if we incapacitate ourselves. This shows up with health, familial, and mental issues. In the long run, fearful attention doesn’t work.
Loving attention creates a natural flourishing through a buoyant uplift of energy. A project with consistent loving attention underneath its wings will take off and soar. No attention leaves the project to coast. Like an airplane without an engine, it may glide but it can also go off course, or never take off. Fearful attention gets us off the ground. We barrel through the air and soar too high, eventually crashing to rock bottom. Instead of Icarus’s overconfidence, the fear of failure drives us higher. We end up in the very place we set out to avoid.
If you want to free yourself from fearful attention, give loving attention to your fear. Acknowledge the fear and face it without judgement. Don’t dive into the fearful story. Experience the fear directly, with presence and patience.
This can be challenging. We resist fear. We fall into a habit of distracting away.
Turn around. Slow down. Give yourself permission to feel the fear. Permission allows space for loving attention to flow in.
I often resist my fear. If I give myself permission to slow down, I can bring about more loving attention. Through a courageous act of not running away, I reveal an inner capacity and confidence. I show myself I can handle it.
I don’t do this perfectly, but when I bring more presence to fear, it opens up new possibilities.
Argument to Insight
An attempt at this during a marital dispute went better than I could ever have expected.
“You always keep an area of our living space a mess. Right now it’s your office. Remember the closet in our apartment?” My wife says.
Ouch. I try to listen for agreement, but I can feel myself getting defensive. I ask to continue the discussion later before it spirals to a negative space.
“I’m tired, it’s late, and I’m feeling sensitive. Let’s continue this conversation tomorrow when my head is more clear,” I say.
“I’m over this. Tonight, why don’t you go sleep in your mess?” she says.
Double ouch. Hurt and anger course through my body, but I know not to act from this space. I gather my blankets and pillow from the bedroom and bring them down to my office downstairs. We keep a futon down there for guests. As I get ready for bed, I notice that she’s right. The room is messy.
The next morning, I wake up at 6am. I rage clean, channeling my upset into picking up and organizing. I put books away, sort through stacks of unopened mail, and find homes for the random items scattered across the room. The room is spotless when I’m done, but how long will it stay that way? If I’m honest with myself, not very long.
As I make breakfast, I let myself feel the pain of the last twelve hours with as much loving presence as I can muster. Bacon sizzles along with my loud, shuddering crying. Underneath my anger lies a deep sadness. I let it be there, giving it space without fueling it on. Throughout the day, the feelings dissipate. I don’t push them away, but I don’t hold on to them either. I start an audiobook on ADHD and decluttering.
That evening, we have another conversation. This one goes better. I’m more present and less defensive. During our discussion, I realize something key about myself. ADHD makes me more sensitive to overwhelm. Small tasks that seem simple to others can overload my executive functioning. Sorting the mail or organizing Tupperware look impossible. My mind tells me I can’t do it. When I listen to those thoughts, I delay, leaving the mail and tupperware on the table. This avoidance adds up. Clutter takes over, upsetting my wife and making it harder for me to function.
When I come to those tasks, I can slow down. I can question the thoughts that tell me I’m not capable. Is that true that I can’t do it? Do I have to delay this task? With this new approach, my behavior changed overnight. Ingrained habits suddenly disappeared, replaced with new levels of organization and cleanliness. My marriage improved. My wife and I connected more, and I operated better in a cleaner environment.
Without loving attention, this transformation would not be possible. After an argument, I used to get upset and resentful for days or weeks until I got over it. No lasting change came from any previous disagreement. I would let it shut me down and close me off. I wasn’t open to new understanding. Eventually, I’d apologize and promise to change. I could willpower my way to temporary improvement, but I’d soon fall back to old habits. Before I discovered the power of loving attention, we repeated cycles of frustration and resentment.
Presence creates opportunities for new learning
When I give loving attention to my fear, the fear melts to reveal deeper Truth. If I slow myself down and open up to my feelings without judgement, life moves me forward.
This is one example of how we can give loving attention to fear. Infinite creative ways exist. I don’t want to apply loving attention only in my relationship. I want it to pour into every experience. Could it become a living meditation?
A Loving Attention Meditation
In a search for the “perfect” morning routine, I tried many forms of meditation. I experimented with breath meditation, mantras, and fear meditations. There was open awareness, guided meditation, hypnosis, transcendental meditation, and many more.
I landed on the most Type A meditation possible. In twenty minutes, it took me through six separate meditation phases. It included forgiveness, visualization, and compassion. It promised to train my mind and help me manifest my dreams. As the “meditation for badasses,” would it deliver the success and peace I so craved?
Looking back, I find it funny. If there was an infomercial for meditation, it would sell this one:
“Do you struggle to sit down to meditate? Are you a fidgety, distractible mess? Introducing the Bad Ass Meditation™. Six meditations in one. For a limited time only, make your morning mindfulness easy and fast. Manifest your best life or your money back!”
I now see the irony in a hyper-productive approach to meditation. The whole point of meditation is to not be efficient. This meditation might be great for some (it was for me for a long time). I do honor anyone who sits down to meditate in any form, including this one. But I needed a new approach.
I now explore a new form of meditation.
My new meditation: giving loving attention to whatever the moment brings.
I mess this up every single day. I still lose myself in upset, frustration, and judgement. Sometimes, loving attention seems inaccessible and blocked. I forget all about it when I feed into my fears.
I do my best to let loving attention flow into the moment. I know I can’t find it through intellectual searching and seeking. Instead, I explore through a felt sense of experience. I try to bring acceptance to what is hardest to accept. When I allow my fears to dissolve, I argue less with life. I can’t make them go faster through any act of trying.
This isn’t a meditation that I can complete, where I am done with it the second I get off the cushion. I want it to infuse my entire day. Like tea in hot water, may it steep into the fabric of every interaction.
I want to live with more openness and connection. I want loving attention to be my way of being in the world. And I want that for you too.
Loving attention is a powerful alchemizer. It helped me turn arguments into insights. What else could it do? May my curiosity spark yours. What could loving attention transform in your life?
What we can give loving attention to:
Addiction, anxiety, arguments, aspirations, career, chronic pain, conflict, connection, creativity, depression, emotions, finances, grief, growth, habits, healing, insecurity, imposter syndrome, insomnia, learning, parenting, relationships, stress, trauma, triggers, and world events.
This is not an exhaustive list. It has room for your biggest challenge. Will loving attention solve every problem in your life? No. Could it change your inner world? Yes.
Everyone has the ability to evoke more loving attention. They access it through their presence. When they see a bigger picture, they observe their circumstances with more neutrality. The absence of judgement creates room for understanding. Letting go of the constant need for control creates deep relaxation.
This might sound too easy to be true. You may feel like an exception, like you lost your loving attention a long time ago. That is only a lie you tell yourself. Loving attention is in your life now.
Where do you already use your natural ability of loving attention?
These parts of your life won’t seem like a big deal to you. Of course you can bring loving attention to them, there’s no friction there. It’s where you struggle that loving attention seems impossible. The struggle comes from fearful attention. Like an umbrella blocks sunlight, fearful attention blocks loving attention. Let go of fear. Let loving attention dissolve it back into nothingness.
Change through loving attention doesn’t happen all at once. Although big jumps are possible, loving attention tends to work bit by bit. It’s transformative change is slow enough to go unnoticed. It might not feel like it’s working. Keep going. The process is beautiful, uncomfortable, and, at times, even agonizing. When loving attention feels the hardest, that’s the time to love your heart out.
Don’t worry about the how. You figure out how as you go along. Set an intention for more loving attention. You can’t do it wrong. If you feel like you’ve messed it all up, give loving attention to messing it all up.
Loving attention is the natural expression of your true being.
Author’s note: I take liberties with quotations from coaching webinars. These are not verbatim. I edit and clarify my words in the writing process. I receive permission from my clients to share ideas from our coaching sessions. A huge thank you to my clients for opening themselves up to me and to you. Coaching and transformation is an act of co-creation, and I couldn’t do it without you. These are more your insights than mine. I appreciate you for sharing this space with me. Thank you.
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